BIFF Responses
DEAR MAN works when there's some willingness on the other side to hear you out and negotiate. BIFF is for when there isn't: a hostile email from an ex-partner, a blaming text from a family member, a workplace message that misrepresents what happened.
BIFF is a format developed by Bill Eddy for replying to messages like these. The reply stays brief, sticks to information, keeps a civil tone, and ends the exchange. The aim is writing something that doesn't hand the other person more material to react to.
Bill Eddy on writing a BIFF response.
What to leave out
- Defending yourself. A defence reads as an invitation to keep going.
- Advice about how they should behave or what they ought to have done.
- Telling them off, however deserved it feels.
- Apologies you don't mean, or that concede something untrue.
Draft a reply
Fill in each part below in your own words. Keep it brief, a few sentences rather than paragraphs, the word count below will tell you if it's running long. It's a starting point, not a final wording, and it's usually worth leaving a draft overnight before sending.
Brief
A few sentences, not paragraphs. Length invites a longer reply, and gives more to argue with.
Informative
Straight, neutral facts. Not your case, not your interpretation, just the information that needs to exist in writing.
The facts you want on record. No interpretation, no case-building.
Friendly
A civil opening and close. It doesn't need warmth it doesn't feel, just an absence of heat.
One short, neutral line.
Firm
Ends the exchange rather than opening it. A clear next step, or nothing further needed.
Where this ends, or the single next step.
Based on the BIFF Response method developed by Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute. This is an educational summary, not a substitute for legal advice or individualised work with a therapist.